i'm looking at the last post i wrote and feeling really guilty because i have posted anything in a really long time. to be truthful, i'm feeling guilty because i imagine a bunch of avid readers quietly sobbing, wringing their hands, and shaking their fist at my lack of activity. in reality, i'm sure 99.999% of the world has noticed nothing and that the minuscule 0.0001% that have noticed have shrugged and moved on.
besides finding all kinds of other things to distract me (everything from manual labor in tilling and filling flowerbeds with tiny blades of grass to a trip to Columbus for the Origins gaming convention to writing new pages about a teenage time-traveler), i've also developed a pesky complex about posting new blogs. i have this problem with writing in general - i don't want to write or post anything else i'm convinced it will gain approval from readers. so what should be a blog devoted to my perspective on cooking, love and life is instead a painful crafting of blogs designed to please.
when i started this blog in february, i was determined not to let myself get hung up on other people's approval or on readership or clicks or anything like that. i told myself to share, share, share and to "blog unfiltered". but like all things, with a little bit of attention and a whole lot of pressure on myself and suddenly the blog suddenly became the opposite of what i wanted - a place to be myself, take it or leave it.
so suddenly i was trying to post what i thought what readers would want to read instead of trusting myself to post what i wanted to blog. because i believe what makes any one of us unique is also what makes us interesting and worth paying attention to. the minute we decide to try to please someone else or sacrifice our individuality is the moment we cease to be interesting and become just one more buzzing voice lost in a sea of conformity.
time to get back to unfiltered posting. time to re-emphasize "take it or leave it" opinions, recipes, theories, and perspectives. time to insist on authenticity and passion. time to be me.
let me start by getting back to honesty and sharing stuff you should know about me - if you've known me for a while, none of this should surprise you. if it does, tell me.
i'm a paradox of laziness and ambition, passion and apathy, self-confidence and fear, determination and procrastination, self-conscious and exhibition, motivation and disinterest, cultured and vulgar
my greatest fear is failure - and to avoid failure, i quit easily. here's a few examples: quit writing because i was afraid i wouldn't make money, quit SEALs training because i was afraid i wouldn't make it, quit my family because i was afraid they would never want me, quit swimming because i'm afraid i'll never be as fast or as good as other swimmers
i would rather be unemployed and penniless than work a job i hate - money and careers are over-rated anyway. nobody needs money - we just need food, clothing, shelter and love. what ever happened to barter?
i eat when i'm not happy with myself. my favorite pig-out foods are chips, cheese, dark chocolate covered pretzels, ice cream, and most of fast food or highly processed snacks
three things need to be in sync for me to feel happy with myself: 1) relationship with God 2) diet and exercise regimen and 3) motivated out of love, not duty or obligation or selfishness; if any one of these three gets out of sync, everything spirals into a black hole of laziness, apathy, fear, procrastination, self-consciousness, disinterest, and vulgarity
i'm terrible with friendships (maybe all relationships): i don't work hard enough to keep friendships active and lean heavily on my bf to initiate activities. i'm highly distrustful and have a hard time opening up to new people and recognizing possible friendships. i sabotage friendships to avoid failed attempts. yes, it's f-ed up and sad
i'm resilient and self-aware - i know i have a lot to work on and i'm constantly setting new goals for myself and beating myself up when i don't achieve them. i want to make a difference, i want to contribute, i want to practice the love i preach
i depend very, very, very, very, very heavily on my bf. we both know it and if i ever come off as self-reliant or self-assured, don't believe the hype. i depend on him for so much. there's the old cliche you hear in romance movies: "I'd be lost without him" - well, i would be lost without him
i'm gay but i hate talking about my sexuality - it's private and not a valid topic of conversation. the only exception here would be my close friends and family
i hope this gives you a window into me, even if it's a window you'd rather i have kept shuttered. it's easy for me to put up a facade of what i want the world to see or think of me - but it's exhausting to maintain. i'd rather fess up and be honest - so much more interesting and easier.