Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Workout Regimen



I feel like I enter a black hole for 10 hours while I'm working my part-time day job on a remote connection in the apartment's somewhat cluttered office. Nothing escapes the black hole - no tweets, no blog posts, no texts, or emails, no Tumblr updates. Nothing but silent, regimented progress on remote, distant projects for a remote, distant company. And by the end of the 10 hours, I feel as if I might have encountered a black hole - stiff, drained, cramped, and joyless.

I do get up and stretch every couple of hours. I grab a glass of water from time to time. And I nibble on things here and there. But somehow, despite having exercised no muscles except my fingers and forearms (and perhaps my shoulders and neck from time to time), I feel as if I've endured some form of tortuously slow endurance workout. Except that I end up gaining weight and losing muscle.

All of which leads me to believe that humans are not intended for this kind of labor.

After 10 hours, what I want is a glass of sweet tea, a bowl of ice cream, 10 slices of provolone cheese, a roll of Ritz crackers, at least two sticky buns, and a personal pan pizza - not necessarily in that order. Once I've packed away all that delicious comfort, then I'd like some snuggle time snoozing peacefully in front of the TV, watching reruns of my favorite shows. Until at some point I slip into a blissful empty sleep carrying me away from the memories of the joyless black hole of the day job.


As ashamed as I am to admit this, some days very much resemble that litany of self-indulgence. Yet more and more I've come to realize that what I truly crave is a release for my pent-up intensity. My muscles need a challenge. My brain needs discipline. My thoughts need an escape. My whole body needs an excuse to move. Food, even the most succulent and temptuous does not truly relax or provide lasting comfort - it's nice while I'm packing it away, but then the overwhelming sense of guilt sets in and I can practically hear my heart sobbing.

And so after months of painful neglect, I've finally hauled out my "green" workout mat and thrown my body back into a series of pathetic attempts at calisthenics. Go ahead and titter with laughter, but as ridiculously easy as the following workout may appear, I'm still sore from yesterday!

10 minute warm-up stretch followed by 3 sets of:

  • Pushups x 10
  • Crunches x 10
  • Plank x 10
  • Table x 10
  • Squats x 10
Yet the soreness feels like a twisted kind of right. It means the muscles still work - and they've been used. It means my heat is still attempting to feed my muscles. And my brain can still be disciplined - even if just long enough for 10 pushups. And to be frank, it means that the roll of extra padding around my middle that prevents me from completing a crunch will eventually disappear.

So forgive me if this sounds pathetic but - it's time for my workout.




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