Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Confessions of a Liar



I hate confessions. Because they hurt. Because it's like ripping out a part of my soul and handing it over to be tortured. Because I know I deserve the torture. I'm about to make a confession to you - and it's going to hurt.

I could say, "Oops, my bad!" But this isn't one of those times.

I could say, "Sorry about that!" I say this one quite a bit. It's actually second nature to me. I say it so much, I forget I'm saying it. It just comes out, auto response and means almost nothing. This isn't one of those times, either.

"You know I didn't mean it…" I say this one the most. Because I tease people. Particularly Boyfriend Javelin. And when I know I've gone a bit too far, when I know I should have stopped about a minute back, then I try to pass it off as nothing. "You know I didn't mean it…" Like it fixes everything. But it can't fix this.

"I'm sorry. It was my fault. Please. Forgive me."


Last week, I had to say those words to people I had hurt very deeply. And this wasn't a I-stole-a-cookie kind of thing. It wasn't a I-forgot-your-birthday kind of thing. This was the avert-your-eyes-train-wreck kind of awful I buried under layers and layers of denial. The kind of awful that destroys and alienates. And causes so much pain, you can't bear to look at it.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Except I did just the opposite. I was a sneaky, two-faced liar with a major arrogance problem. And devious. And self-centered. And self-absorbed. And self-righteous. A hypocrite, really.

I hurt my mother, my father, my siblings, my mentors, my childhood friends. My grandparents. And I didn't even love them enough to say, "I'm sorry." To say, "It was my fault." To beg, "Please, forgive me." For 10 years I said nothing. My grandparents died. My father died. Friends died. And I still couldn't put love first and say it.

Oh sure, there were lots of reasonable excuses.

"They won't accept me."
"I'm not ready to come out."
"Everyone is entitled to a little happiness."
"They rejected ME!"
"They don't care about me."
"I've got to work on me right now."
"I have a new family now."
"The best revenge is a successful life."
"Hakuna Matata."
Dot. Dot. Dot.

A pack of lies to cover up one big truth: I suck.

Don't bother defending me. I hurt the people I loved and there is no defense for that. I lied to them. I betrayed them. I schemed about how to keep them in the dark. I ran away and ignored them. I became self-centered and arrogant. I even started a blog to talk about LOVE - when I couldn't even get it right in my own life! For 10 years, I couldn't say:

"It was all my fault." And to mean it. To deeply, utterly regret the whole sorry excuse of my life.

Or to confess, "I deserve whatever you do to me." In fact, I deserve much worse.

Or to beg, "Please, forgive me." And to know, with absolute certainty, that forgiveness will hurt so much worse than the confession.


And now I come to you. More lies, more deceit, more arrogance. I'm sorry for not being honest about my past. I'm sorry for not showing you I suck. I'm sorry for pretending I had a charmed life. I'm sorry for betraying your trust. And most of all, I'm sorry for utterly betraying love.

But please, don't you lose your faith in love. Don't doubt it's power. You can stop following me, stop reading my posts, stop talking to me. All that and more I deserve. But don't give up on love.

Love has the power to move even the suckiest of people. It has the power to wring a confession out of arrogant liars. To uncover truth buried under 10 years of denial. To leave us on our knees, face in hands. Weeping.

Because love has the power to deliver us. Love has the power to say what nothing else in the world can say. The one thing we know we need to hear - and never deserve to hear.

"I forgive you."



More from this series


12 comments:

  1. Wow - this is an epic post indeed. You write so emotionally....it's very engaging. I am a little lost for words. But I do just want to say, don't be so hard on yourself. We all lie, we shouldn't but we do. People who love you will forgive you and come back in the end. It sounds to me like you are well on your way down the right path xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the kind words, Anneli. I really needed to be hard on myself for what I did. But I am very fortunate to have loved ones who do forgive me and have loved me - despite what I did...

    ReplyDelete
  3. It takes an even bigger person to admit they did something wrong. You said it yourself you are now filled with love and that can only mean improvement , hope and joy for the future. :-)


    Everyone has faults. You do not suck. You are a good person.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You know, we all suck — each and every one of us. Not all the time, and some of us much worse than others. But we're all capable of — and do — things that later make us want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over us, and never come out. And we're all deeply embarrassed, ashamed, and sorry (those that aren't have a problem). One of the great things about getting older is you recognize that although it's a fault, it's not one unique to you. That doesn't make it a good thing, but one that's more understandable, and you can deal with it. And over time it makes it a lot easier just to be upfront and straightforward with people, and say the things that need to be said, and sooner rather than later. My opinion, at least. Good post. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kayle (The Cooking Actress)May 31, 2013 at 11:50 AM

    You know how much love we all have for you and I am so incredibly in awe of your bravery in posting this. I don't think there's anything for me to forgive you for, but if you need forgiveness from me, at least, you have it! And I know your loved ones will agree.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for the kind words, Meg. I owe an enormous debt for all the undeserved love I received, and that, if nothing else, is certainly motivation not to continue in sucky behavior... "A good person" is certainly something for me to continually aspire to...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for the thoughtfulness of your response, John. I do agree that we all, at some point and to varying degrees, do things we later regret and need to own up to. And I do hope you're right, that with time, being upfront and honest with people will become easier - or at least something I tackle sooner ...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you, truly, for your generosity, forgiveness and kindness, Kayle. I am very humbled by your unquestioning forgiveness and support. Personally, I don't think bravery really describes what I did or who I am - I think bravery would have been to tackle my mess 10 years ago. Bravery now will be to remain honest with myself and others...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kayle (The Cooking Actress)May 31, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    we all make mistakes, it's the bravery that makes you own up to it. And that's why you're incredible :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ditto to everything that kitchenriffs said! The important part is recognizing that the mistake was made and even though you can't fix it, you are mature enough to know that you hurt someone and that you won't let it happen again. I'm approaching 60 and one of the things I've learned is that shit happens. Learn from it and move on. The people who love you will forgive you and be there when you need them. Just always let them know how much you love them. We're all here for you Darlin!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks, Kayle - I know I had help from the Big Guy upstairs... :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for being so awesome, MJ. You always know what to say and with so much wisdom... Learning from my mistake is very painful, but I do believe long term, it is also very beneficial. I just need to get better at letting the people I love know that I love them... Thank you again for your kindness, MJ...

    ReplyDelete