I’m broken, people. I keep thinking about all those people, frightened and crowding into a bathroom. One of them sending his mother a text telling her he loved her. And that he was going to die. He saw his death coming and there was no where to run. No where to hide. He just had to wait, knowing what was coming.

I can’t stop crying.

What the FUCK is wrong with us?

We fucking hate each other, right? Just mow each other down. Bathe in our enemies blood. 49 people are dead and no one is going to do a damn thing.

The president calls for gun reform. The presidential candidates sling mud and politicize the deaths. Politicians call for thoughts and prayers. And I’ll see you in a month when the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 100, 200 people are mowed down. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US!?!!

Have you the seen the bloody map of America’s mass shootings? Red everywhere. Have you listened to the rhetoric spewing from politicians' forked tongues? Hate and fear in every sentence. Have you listened to the loud religious leaders? Cloaked Pharisees preaching bigotry and intolerance masquerade as humble servants of virtue, holiness and love. Are you listening to the responses to this very massacre in Orlando? Ban the Muslims, lock our borders, buy more guns, arm ourselves to the teeth, blow each other’s brains out in self-defense.

I am starting to comprehend how incalculable tragedies like the Native American genocide, human slavery and the Holocaust can be allowed to occur. I am starting to see how monsters come to power with thunderous applause. And I’m starting to grasp what could drive a God to reign down burning sulfur on cities or send a flood to drown humanity. We are a swirling cesspool of hate, fear, greed, corruption and violence. Our love has grown cold. We’d rather bicker and fight and build walls than love each other. We’d rather win a fight than show mercy and compassion. We’d rather pine after the America of yesterday than unite in love for our future.

49 people are dead and NO ONE is going to do a damn thing.

Except, that’s not true. Love has already stepped forward. Police have stepped up patrols to guard other queer clubs, parades and gathering places. Thousands around the world have raised funds at a record pace. Leaders and cities around the world have offered encouragement and support. Rallies and vigils are being held around the world. Companies like Disney have donated millions in support of families and loved ones. Thousands have lined up to give blood. Others have donated water, food and other supplies. Churches of many religions and denominations have condemned the massacre and offered prayers and intercessions.

That’s incredible and so generous and gives me a whole new reason to cry. That kind of selfless outpouring of love and support lifts us all up. It gives us all a reason to hope and reminds me that despite all the horror, love is still there. Still stronger.

I still don’t want to be back here in a month saying these same words. I don’t want to accept that I WILL be back in a month for the next 100 dead. I don’t want to believe this is the new status quo. I don’t want to accept that. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT. I REFUSE!

This is NOT the new normal. This is fucked up. This is hateful, evil, wicked. And I am not going to accept hate. I am not going to give in to evil. I am not going to shrug off wickedness as unchangeable.

And I’m not to going to waste time pining after the things of yesterday or the way things used to be. My focus is on today and the tomorrow to follow. I am not going to cling to the nostalgia of what has been lost - I am going to reach for hope and joy and love. Today, I am not going to fear death. Today, I am going to fearlessly speak and act in love. I am going to find a new way to improve tomorrow.

Orlando has proven there are no safe places and no guarantees. We only have this gift of love for a finite moment. One minute we’re dancing, the next we’re on the bathroom floor facing our killer’s AR-15. There’s no time to fear and hate. It’s already ripping us apart and cutting us down. We only have time to love.

There are now 49 people who will never have that opportunity to love again. And the rest of us will never feel their love again. That’s tragic.

So in memory of all those who were robbed of life and love, choose love. I’m begging you: choose love.

In memory of all those lost and those who love them